I haven’t blogged since the festival for a good reason. I messed up real bad.
I have talked about this guy before, let’s call him J. We were “together”, not as boyfriend and girlfriend, but still, we were together. Very few people knew about it and absolutely no one knew we were planning on making it serious.
But I have this amazing super-power called self-sabotaging my life and ruining every single fucking good thing. This is where it gets interesting: J is best friends with my ex’s new girlfriend. And, somehow, out of the hundred thousand people attending the festival, I managed to hook up with her ex. Who is also J’s friend. (We all study the same thing at the same university.)
On top of that, I also managed to get inside of a tent with a guy from our camping spot I hadn’t met before, who had previously been sniffing coke from this huge knife and had set fire to his own t-shirt because his ex was there and said she hated that shirt. That’s how bad it got.
J found out about all of this because my ex was also camping at the same spot, because, after all, we’re still in the same group of friends.
Now as for why I did this:
My mother had stopped talking to me at our family vacation after this huge fight and I went from there directly to the festival. I was in a horrible state of mind, feeling very depressed. When I got there, I was angry at my ex and at my best friend, we had fought the night before about something as stupid as tents. Everyone around me was so happy and I was feeling miserable. J kept bringing me down for not talking to him all the time because my phone was dead most of the time. I turned to alcohol and shifted to an unsensitive, euphoric, self-degrading mindset. Then shit happened.
When it ended I felt horrible. That wasn’t me.
I’m starting to come back to being myself and becoming aware of my mistakes. I hadn’t fucked up in so long. I’m already scheduled to see my psychiatrist. I’m trying to get J to forgive me. I’m determined to change my life. I’m tired of being depressed and sabotaging my own life because of how much negativity lives inside my head. I don’t accept good things happening to me because I don’t believe I deserve them.
I’m going back to uni in a few days and I’m going to make some radical changes. I will let you know how it goes.
For these last few days of vacation, I’m just going to try to forgive myself, nurture my body and mind and try to love myself a little more.