I don’t like coming here and whining. I often write about the fucked up things that happen in my life but always try to put some humour into it.
This time is different and I want to apologize in advance if this comes out too sad and whiny. All because this event hasn’t ended, it probably just started and I can’t laugh if off.
I got my EEG results and it’s a bunch of images, letters and numbers I can’t understand. It points out the problematic zones of my brain but it means nothing to me. There’s only one word written too often to be good news: depression.
They hand this to me on my way out of my therapist’s office and tell me to wait for a call from my doctor, to explain to me what it all means. Of course I’m completely freaked out because while I may not comprehend 99% of it, I can still read that one word and it makes me so scared.
2015 was a horrible year that’s coming to and end and I wanted to start 2016 with hope filling my heart to the top but now I think it’s impossible.
I made it through my week pretty well, dispite all the work. Except for today. I missed a test because I couldn’t get out of bed, both because I’m always completely sedated in the mornings and because I didn’t have the strength to.
I feel like I’ve failed and I have no hope. It’s a horrible combination.
I can’t help but feel helpless, worthless and like nothing is ever going to be alright. It’s been to long of me fighting against myself. The chemical imbalances in my brain causing me to be depressed and anxious against my joy and passion for life.
Who will want to hang out with a depressed person? Most importantly, who will love me for who I am?