Stupidest rant ever (getting everything off my chest)

Breathe in, breathe out.

I’m finally sitting down in front of the computer desperate to put all my thoughts to words in hope of feeling a little better.

This is going to be a very confusing and long rant but here it goes:

I’m scared to death. It really does come down to this. I’m so afraid of going to France.

I’m going to be completely alone. I don’t know one single soul. I don’t speak the language yet. I don’t feel like I’m strong enough to carry on. It really weighs on me that I can not fail any more classes.

I feel lonely. It’s probably all in my head but I just wish I had someone who would hold me while I cry until I fall asleep. But then again should I be crying? I chose this for myself. And why am I so fucking needy?

On another perspective, is this really me speaking? Is mental illness still here? Or am I just a dreamer with a loser’s mentality? A big hot mess?

I feel defeated even by things that haven’t begun.

And then when it’s 3 in the morning I hit rock bottom and turn on Tinder looking for someone to talk to but everyone there is obviously in the mood for sex and partying and then I just feel pathetic and delete every single guy telling me how hot or beautiful I am.

My ex and I broke up May 2015, everyday I stalk his and his girlfriend’s Instagram accounts. They’re so happy. I don’t want them to be unhappy but I can’t help compare myself to him. He’s doing so well.

Oh, I almost forgot I actually have a boyfriend. We’ve been dating for a little over two months but he decided to ditch me completely and go on vacation with his cousin because he was “tired” and “sick of Porto”. He won’t answer my texts or my calls so that is pretty much over, too.

I don’t talk to my mom.

My dad doesn’t understand that I’m scared so he just says I’m being weak and tells me to shut up.

I want to break free from these concepts that I’ve built inside my head. I used to be so creative and joyful and free. Damn, I’ve been through hell and back all these times.

I’ve had ENOUGH.

Whatever happens in these 9 days I’m getting on that plane anyway. I want to push myself and go further. I don’t want to be tied down by people who don’t care about me nearly as much as I do for them. Shit has to take a big turn for the better I don’t care how!

Starting this I was just sad now I’m pissed.

I feel like Winter and the sun is still shining bright above me.

Advice is welcome.

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12 thoughts on “Stupidest rant ever (getting everything off my chest)

  1. An awful, awful feeling to feel lonely and depressed. I’d try to distract myself; just keep myself busy all the time whenever I felt this dark cloud of uncertainty approaching me. That kinda helped.
    You’re going to make it. You are

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  2. There is nothing wrong with being scared, its normal. No one likes taking on the unknown. But I will say that people are people, pretty much everywhere. You will find some good ones no doubt. And in a few months time you will be wondering what the hell you were worried about. Embrace change, its good for the mind 🙂

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  3. Knowing no one means, you will meet someone new! That in itself is a good start. I am sure that you will soon be writing about this new friend you made and how you had fun. As a person who just cannot get “her” out of my mind, I am telling you, you are at a much better place (I know to each his own, but believe me, you are fine) and soon you will realise that.

    Again, none of the above is advice. Just my thoughts.

    Take care Terry (hope I can call you that)

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  4. This one did not appear in my Reader, odd, but things get screwy sometims on WP for no reason. 2 active blogs that I follow totally stopped appearing in the Reader, I even un-followed then re-followed, although the status is, and always was, Followed. Another one had a big blank space in the Reader this morning for a time.
    Anyway–anything that I would say about this post has already been said by your other readers’ comments. I know this sounds simplistic or even dumb, but try to contol or re-direct your thoughts when you get so anxious and despairing–it’s easy to let those thoughts go wild in your head, thus amplifying themselves. . believe me, I know.

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