Breathe in, breathe out.
I’m finally sitting down in front of the computer desperate to put all my thoughts to words in hope of feeling a little better.
This is going to be a very confusing and long rant but here it goes:
I’m scared to death. It really does come down to this. I’m so afraid of going to France.
I’m going to be completely alone. I don’t know one single soul. I don’t speak the language yet. I don’t feel like I’m strong enough to carry on. It really weighs on me that I can not fail any more classes.
I feel lonely. It’s probably all in my head but I just wish I had someone who would hold me while I cry until I fall asleep. But then again should I be crying? I chose this for myself. And why am I so fucking needy?
On another perspective, is this really me speaking? Is mental illness still here? Or am I just a dreamer with a loser’s mentality? A big hot mess?
I feel defeated even by things that haven’t begun.
And then when it’s 3 in the morning I hit rock bottom and turn on Tinder looking for someone to talk to but everyone there is obviously in the mood for sex and partying and then I just feel pathetic and delete every single guy telling me how hot or beautiful I am.
My ex and I broke up May 2015, everyday I stalk his and his girlfriend’s Instagram accounts. They’re so happy. I don’t want them to be unhappy but I can’t help compare myself to him. He’s doing so well.
Oh, I almost forgot I actually have a boyfriend. We’ve been dating for a little over two months but he decided to ditch me completely and go on vacation with his cousin because he was “tired” and “sick of Porto”. He won’t answer my texts or my calls so that is pretty much over, too.
I don’t talk to my mom.
My dad doesn’t understand that I’m scared so he just says I’m being weak and tells me to shut up.
I want to break free from these concepts that I’ve built inside my head. I used to be so creative and joyful and free. Damn, I’ve been through hell and back all these times.
I’ve had ENOUGH.
Whatever happens in these 9 days I’m getting on that plane anyway. I want to push myself and go further. I don’t want to be tied down by people who don’t care about me nearly as much as I do for them. Shit has to take a big turn for the better I don’t care how!
Starting this I was just sad now I’m pissed.
I feel like Winter and the sun is still shining bright above me.
Advice is welcome.