A few days ago I was thinking that everything I write sounds straight out of some lame self help book.The truth is I have no fucking idea what I’m doing.
I have a plan and I’m sticking to it but I don’t know what’s going to come from it.
Because of anxiety, I lost the boy I’d loved the most all my life, in 2015. Since then, I’ve lost many friends, too. Some we just drifted apart, others found better matches and others left me because they became scared and didn’t know how to help me.
Somewhere along the past few months I took a drastic turn. Something changed within me and I can’t change it back. I quit cigarettes, I quit medication, I partially quit alcohol and going out, I quit dating apps and men. I started cooking at home, going to the gym and spending my nights in. Most of the time I feel good about these changes, other nights, like tonight, I can’t slow my head down or quiet my racing thoughts.
I’m fully conscious that my previous lifestyle was getting me nowhere and there had to come a day where I’d put my recovery before fun and pleasure.
I’ve never been so scared in my whole life. I’m scared of the outcome of all this but also my anxiety exacerbates all of my fears. It has made more self conscious, fearful of failing in my relationships with people, less confident, somewhat paranoid of losing control when I go out, less trusting, incapable of relaxing and thus making it impossible to go back. For the first time in a long time I’m aware of everything that’s going on. The stress and the bad things and the good things. Nothing that will numb me.
If I fail, it’s going to be harder than anything else because I’m putting so much effort into changing my life.
It hurt to find out that little to no “friends” stayed for the long run as they only saw the party girl in me. That’s why I don’t believe they will be of much importance in my future and try to be ok with all this but I do wonder a couple of things: Am I always going to be alone? Will I always feel different than everyone else? Will I ever be on the same page as people around me? And ultimately, when will life feel like a blessing and not a burden?
I want to go back to my witty, sensual, happy, lighthearted self, waiting to bloom and welcome spring – after a fucking long winter.